So Utterly Confused

I sit here wondering Why Me How did this happen to me How Did every body's Problems become mine How did i Become the Scape Goat For others Peoples Problems How did i get placed in this stress this stress i call life i feel like I'm trapped in a box with nowhere to go the wait of the World on my Shoulders I worry 24/7 365 About my Brother he is my rock in life and the only one that truly understands me i talk with him and can feel his pain as he can feel mine We both talk about what's going on but We Both No what's really going on withe out Evan Saying any thing at all we just no We are so in tune we don't half to say anything we just no what the other is feeling I Have so Much Stress every day i wake up i don't want to i don't really want to face the day but when i do it starts from sun up to sun down stress on top of stress the Waite of the world on my shoulders every body turning to me for answers because they cant find the answers on there own my family is torn apart they lean on me Daily to make a change to take them out of the Problems that have ben created it's almost like I'm a pot of steam and they are all standing around just waiting for me to blow my top My Father is a Fall down Drunk getting worse by the day he has now relegated to haven some body take off his shoes for him his mind much like his body is gone He needs help help i can not give him help that nobody can give him he has come to the point were self medicating his problems is easier then Dealing with them witch leaves me to watch him as he slowly Falls down in life Some times thou you come to the point were you just half to throw in the towel and walk away no matter how much it might hurt ya you just half to walk away and hope for the best it's so hard So Fucking hard to watch this this self destruction i Just want to get in my car and drive away and not look back but as to look forward Tord the Future with out all the drama and all the stress I'm under daily I'm so Very Very Tiered I don't no were to turn any more it seems like all my hope and dreams have ben Smashed my life Thus a Picture on the wall that i will never be Abel to live a life were there is no stress were there is a family there is a sense of Peace I will never be able to partake in that My Brother will never have Peace in his life i think and worry about him so so much i lay awake at night and wonder when I'm going to get the call the call that says I'm sorry he's Gone Then my Life will truly be over it will at that moment fall down around me in a heap of Mess I Hope to god that never happens i hope i never ever half to experience that he is my life and my world i Build my life around him he is a Man i met some years back but between then and now we halve become bonded for life in so many ways we are alike we both go through the same stuff daily he no's when i need to talk and when i talk he listens for as long as i want to talk I'm so close to him I Lie awake at night Crying out for somebody to hear me to tell me it's going to be OK i see People walking with he families Happy and free i yurn for that but no that will never happen i try to put on a brave face every day but it just keeps getting harder and harder to Smile and be happy when I'm Truly Not it's so Fucking hard to Keep Living this Lie The Lie I call Life I look at my Family Then Just Break Down and Cry as they Lay there Problems at my door and ask the question's i have no answer to They want me to Be there Savor to Take them away from every thing to make it all better but In turn I cant I will never Be Able to make it all better My Father Has Completely Ruined my Life He seems to have No remorse for what he has dun to me He seems Proud of him self He Sees What he did As the right thing when in turn it was the wrong I have No Future I will never have That Sense of Security I will always be a Poor Poor Man just Scraping by to keep a roof over my head I have a Friend I'm close to there and here Daughter i worry about them as much as i worry about my brother she has some problems it rips me in two when they ask for help and I can't For what ever Reason I have so much stress i wake up with a Headache and go to bed wit ha Headache Laying awake in bed as i watch the time go by trying to get a Lil sleep here and there Noin Tomorrow is going to be worse then today Some times i just want to Punch a wall or a door but i keep my composer and walk away and take a deep breath I just don't no what to do any more The harder I try the Harder i Fall the harder I fail at Life I have For ever Failed Life Life has Failed Me I try so hard to keep the peace in the Family some times i just half to walk away some times my dad get's in my face and i just Blow then i walk away and take a deep breath I have Such a Strain on me at my age i should not have this much presser and stress on me its like i have a Chain and a large ball that out ways me i try with all my might to pull it and i cant as people in front of me Point laugh And Call me names and tell me that I'm a Loser witch i can't deni I am a Loser and will always be i will never get ahead in life that's a guaranty I'm Just So Tired So Very Very Tired I'm so Confused People Want me to be there Saviour there Golden Ticket Out of The hell there life has Become How ever it happened I have That Stress on top of other stress the stress of noin that people Depend so much on me to get them out of what There Life has become What about me When does it become my turn To get Taken out of This Life that has ben created this ses pool this Bubbling Cauldron of Stress and anguish This Daily Mental Pounding i get every day Of my Life from sun up tell sun down I'm just so Stressed and Depressed I'm have so many bad days with my depression anxiety i have some good but more bad then good i just try to make every day a good day but some times tord then end it just turns from good to bad

I don't No What To Do

I don't No What to do i can not leave for one night without My whole world Falling down around me i go out for the night then the next morning IM bombarded with calls to get home i fight to get home i walk in the door then basically collapse on the floor Crying and shaken in a Fetal position as two People Stand over me screaming and yelling as loud as they can directing all their anger at me tell i just start Balling and shaken in a fetal position on the floor Screaming so loud at me asking me what i was going do so loud i had to put my hands over my ears as i cried What did i ever do to deserve this as i said i no the Answer I was ( BORN ) I say IM going to stay home from now on and with that IM told no u are going to go work at this place basically forcing me to work there dragging me kicking and screaming to this Jail cell of a place but why go back it wont change me i will be worse there then if i just stayed home i would be doing them a favor by staying home it would save them time and effort and money i Learned to day someone Very Close to me is Getting A Beat down By there Significant other all i could do was look at Them and just try not to cry i wanted to So Badly go beat the Fucken SOB IM So Pissed Off i was Taught Never to Hit a girl Be the Bigger man and walk away talk it out don't yell and scream then i see this all i could feel is Rage Pure Fucken Rage i just wanted to go beat this person to a pulp and say this make u feel like more of a man Fucker This Person is Every thing to me and to see This Person in pain Just Kills Me Fucken Kills Me but hay on the Bright side she is Moving out and moving on in life last night i helped some others drink a full fifth i just kept drinkin and drinkin then i would pray Then drink some more tell it was gone and i passed out IM so Fucked up fucked up for life i also learned to day a person i have no in for a  while is die in of liver failure he is my age have not seen him for a while but i hear he is diein Fuck Me I just Want to Leave and Put this all behind me cut every body off and never talk to them again or here from them other then a select Few just start over and for get this Fucked up Dream Ever Happened Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk IM Listing to Dido Sitting in the dark Crying my Eyes Out IM So Fucked Up so Fucken Depressed so Fucken Dun and Over with Life in General nothing make me happy any more i lay in bed pull the covers over my head and do not want to get up or face the day i just want to stay in my safe place and never face the world just lay in the dark and cry Listening to dark Music i feel so alienated from the world i awake day by day more pissed off then i was when i went to sleep  trying to hold it all in as tight as i can but it is getting fucken Harder and harder so fucken hard again i ponder would any body really miss me If i just Disappeared

Truly Fucked For Life

I Find it Interesting that one or two bad days can project how a person is perceived Evan after a person is told to change there ways and they do there still perceived as a Problem and is then told its best if they leave then in that same realm has the ball put in there court Maken them Decide if they Evan want to return and if they don't be shorley put on an Evan shorter leash treated like a Person that can not think Take care of or for that matter Make a Rational Decision on there own thus then maken them the scape goat for somebody elses problem Thus Again that is were i stand Somebody elses problem Brushed aside left to the darkness that my life has become Left to wonder what i did Wrong i find no matter how hard u work u will never get a head in life en less u stupe down to the higher person then just maby u might get a head a lil but all ways knowing they have the upper hand and can squash u to make them Selves look look better in the eyes of others why u get left behind Thus in my Petty Life i thus get Squashed Left to wonder Why Gee i cant wait to see what life has in store for me now maby a lil more pain in life or maby something better but IM leaning on the latter of more pain not that i try in any way to create it i try my best to make lemonade out of Sour Lemons I truly Do some might think i don't but i do in this life of despairs i try to make a living and doin the best i can some times i wonder why i Evan try like i said it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail at any thing i do i try so hard and just end up failing Evan harder or get taken advantage of not that i mean for it to happen mind ya it just happens thats just my life a life made of More Failures then Successes some one once told me it does not take a sain man to figure out after a while that maby life is just not his cup of tea thus i sit here still wondering what i did wrong in life to deserve such misery and pain it seams like from day one it has ben such a struggle for me haven to fight for every thing i got not that life in some spots was not good but the rest of it was just fucked one man or women should not half to ender such emotional pain and suffering this anxiety depression is going to be the death of me i believe some days are good some days i feel like my whole world is crashing down around me i try so hard to keep up beat and happy but some times it's just so fucken hard i can't stand it nobody understands me i guess nobody has ever taken the time to try not to just ask what they can do to help but just taken the time to sit down and listen well i should not say nobody My brother he takes the time like nobody els does in the middle of all his goings and stuff of the day and stuff in his life he sits down and truly listens to what i halve to say he does not blow me off like the rest he gets to the root of my problem and makes me feel better as best as he can i mean he's not the holey grail and solver of all problems lets face it we all have problems but when i need somebody to turn to to talk to he is there to just sit and listen as long as i want to ramble on about what is bothering me then he offers his advice the best he can i go home it is good but when they get in a fight for what ever the reason i just want to run run hard run fast between the fucked up life i have and listening to them scream and yell about petty stuff thus then watching him drink his pain away thats a whole nuther can of worms there 25 years sober and he thinks going back to the bottle will fix every thing be it the bottle or just beer it pains me to see it it pains me to see him in pain and to see him give up 25 years is just hart breaking but people make there own ways in life and he must think this is the best way to drink him self in to a stupor its hart wrenching to half to watch him go some were and half to beg somebody to use the bathroom Evan no he has all ready gone so in short life is just fucked no matter how hard i try in life i just keep getting fucked the harder i try the harder i get fucked i really believe i was never meant to get any ware in life to not succeed just to be a nothing and nobody in life one of those people that people forget about and wonder what ever happen to that person in passing some times i wonder would any body really miss me or would i just be a thought on sombodys mind of i wonder what ever happened to him thus in a day or so i start a new chapter in life a chapter of im the Ass hole because im not worken were i was told i would work for the rest of my life not that i was told i would work there for the rest of my life but u kind of figure out other peoples plans for u after about the second year of work u try as u may to quit but every time u try u get bombarded with the what are u going to do's and the What if's and the just stay for a lil bit longer then quiet noing that at the end of that lil bit u will hear the same line again all in the inter room of hopen that i don't get smart and figure out that im getting treated like a lil kid forced to do something i don't want to do cuz see i figure if i get a brain and get smart they will half to figure out a new plan on how to keep me some were i don't want to be my life is a pit of hell and im right in the middle of it

Why Me

I Almost Lost my Brother today truly the Only one i can talk to and really open up to it turned out to be ok but for that one Fleeting Moment my world seem like it was Crashing down around me some say you should not put your life in the hands of one Person well i must be different cuz i do put my Life in the hands of one Person my Brother he is my Best Friend and with out him To Guide me in life i would be Truly Lost he is not my Brother By Blood but i think of him tho as my Brother cuz every time I'm down Depressed Or Something Is Freakin Me out he Knows he get's in side me opens me up and leads me on the right path He helps me as best as he can he has ben under allot of stress Lately as i talk to him i can feel his pain as he can feel mine both of us Reaching out to embrace Each Other telling Each Other it will be ok as i awoke today and saw him reaching out for me on my email all i could do is focus on Finding him my Mind was a Complete Blur all i could see in my mind as i closed my eyes as i took a step back was him and me and the times we had Then at that Moment as i Opened up my Eye's I New I had to Find him Then all i could do is focus on finding him i was looking high and low for him calling every hospital i could find to some how find him I Was on the edge of my Life Looking Down entell i heard from him that he was ok we talked for about an hour but seemed longer i did not want to hang up i could feel his pain as he could feel min He has Ben under allot of Stress as i have ben i Deal with my Parents Getting older i Look at my Dad and seem him with all his problems as i try the best i can to help him or my mother day in and day out i try it just get's harder watching your parents get older is a bitch u want them to be healthy and live long but some times it just don't work out but then you think if something does happen were em i going to be i my self right now em living on the edge of life i live day to day hopen the next will be better this ADD ADHD Anxiety Depression that i have it's very up and down more down for me then up I'm constantly depressed and my anxiety level is off the chart i had a Stress related Hart Attack at 27 27 the new 50 my face looks older then i am all the worry lines i have on my face the Littlest thing gets my anxiety up my Personal life is so fucked i will never be able to survive in life alone as i said in other postings i always Worry and try not to dwell on the What If's In Life But They almost seem like there a Permanent Part of my life Something i can never get rid of no matter how hard i try i always have so many good intentions but they never seem to work out every thing in my life blows up in my face i always get fucked some how I'm the only person that can take a positive and some how turn it in to a negative i listen to dark music it's the only thing in my life other then my Brother that gives me any kind of comfort it's almost like it takes me away from what ever I'm in to some were were I'm alone and free free of the chains of life i one my SSD Social Security Disability i was Happy Thinking about how this will help me better my self in life as i say some how i can take a positive and turn it in to a negative and this i did i was happy when i one now as i get deeper in to it i worry about every Lil aspect of it i worry about if I'm doing it all wright or if I'm Messing something up did i miss something did i send all the right stuff em i sending what I'm suppose to to them every month month after Month i worry about it i worry that they like every body els in my life will fuck me and some how i will get fucked by them i try my hardest to do every thing right but i feel That I'm Failing at it i feel i have Failed life that Life has Failed me my main purpose on this earth and in life is just to Get Fucked i really believe there is no real purpose for my life or for me to be her i feel the only reason I'm here is to stand on the corner with a sign around my neck that Says FUCKED FOR LIFE because its true and i Believe it tell the day i die I believe i will Be FUCKED FUCKED for the Rest of my Life never Will i Get ahead in Life i will always be one of those People That is Standing at the Starting Gate the People will take off running and i will still be back at the gate Lost and Confused as the People get farther and farther away tell i look up and realize i should just walk away as i sit here i Listen To CREED WITH ARM'S WIDE OPEN i Think about my Brother how i wish i could be there right now to just hold him tight and tell him it will be OK To take away all his fear and all his stress and worry make him feel clean and free and not hurt any more i lay in bed at night for hours just thinking about every thing going on in my life i wont lie here i Shake i Shake With Fear I shake with Fear and Anxiety doing what i can to put it out of my mind Evan if for just a Lil bit I Listen to some stuff at night that helps a Lil to Relieve the Stress so as i can get a Lil bit of sleep before i half to wake up and face this Night Mer of a Life I have so much shit going on in my life i just stand in the rain letting the rain Cleanse me as i close my eyes i look up and let it hit my face every day i worry about stuff i can't control i worry thinking i can control it knowing that i can't as i get so sick to my Stomach with stress or some times I over eat trying to over compensate for the stress I'm under I feel Like Such a Fucken Burden To Every Body What The Fuck did i do What The Fuck did i do to Deserve this I think i no what i did to Deserve this I WAS BORN

What The Fuck

In the Dark I Sit Lonely and Depressed Left Alone WIth Only My Thoughts Burdens And Waits Sitting in side my Head and Shoulders Like a Volcano Waiting to go off Like Shoulders that Are Ready To Crumble I Just Don't No how Much more I can take Im just Ready to Call it Even Some times I think of the good life and wonder what it's like to be Happy Seeing People happy and care free some times I wish that was me Free of all the Chains Waits and Burdens My Life has Become I Feel at this Point in my Life That I'm Just a Burden in Life a Burden To People Just in the Way I get Knocked Down Face Pushed in the Mud I try to get up and just get Knocked down again Almost Like Im Not Suppose to get up Im just Suppose to Stay Face First in the Mud letting people Walk on me Pushing my face and body Deeper in to the Mud like I'm there Door matt I feel anger every day Anger For Life Anger For me Anger for The Burdens And Waits In my Life I Will for ever Carries them around I can never get rid of them Like a Belt you have put on that you can never take off I fell Down and could not get up but after some time I did limping back to the Point of Origin Wet and Disoriented but Holding Composer as not to raise suspicion of My Falter only to say I had fallen but that I was ok and so I went and changed just to go out and sit in something thus changing again then as I got pushed to the Breaking point I walked in to some Metal Head On Now I have the Scars of my Life on my Head but again I do Not Say much Keeping my Thoughts to my Self As I Bottle up My Life Keep in it in a Dark Corner Only To Be Taken out when More is To go in Some One Once Told me You Should Not Bottle up all your worries and Fears! If People Only Knew What Fear Rage and Anger I Have In Side they Would Then Fully Under Stand Why I do What I do Act How I Act and Why I Bottle Stuff Up I live In Darkness I Walk in Darkness I Listen to Dark Music because It Soothes me And my Sole If Only For a Minit Out Of This Anger Filled Pit of Hell I call my Life Nobody Under Stands me No body Takes the Time to under stand me and Quiet Honestly if they Did I think it Would Scare the Life Right out of them Every Night I Go To Sleep I Just lay there in Bed all alone Cryin tell I fall a sleep only to Wake and Cry some more Trying To Push through the Day Cryin and Screaming On the Inside Tryin to Hold it all together When really I just want to Curl up in a Ball and Cry  I Listen to a Self Help Fellow that has sense Passed on He says Not To Worry that Fear and Worry is Crippling And he is Right he says to Keep Calm and Cheerful so I follow his advice well at Least the Calm and Cheerful part But every day its gettin harder and harder  My Best Friend Witch I Consider my Brother From another Mother Plainly Stating We are Not Blood Related But in so many ways I see me in him we think on the same level and he Listens to me he Knows how to get inside me and figure out what's wrong He try's to help as much as he can giving me good advise He's the only One I Know That I can Truly call in the middle of the Night and He will Pick up the Phone and Listen for as long as I want to Talk I have other Friends that will do the same but he is Different I can't Really Explain it but He is just I guess Special in a way just has something about him I'm Just So Fucked Up I'm an Un Repairable Person Just a Lost Sole Wandering Aimlessly in the World Never to Be Happy Cuz Im a Looser Cuz sooner Or later you Know All be Dead All Die an Angry Old Man Some day Face Down In The Gutter of Life I Sit in Im Truly For ever  on the Out Side in the darkness cold and alone lookin in as the rain Falls down on me I wither and wonder will any body really miss me I'm just a puddle in the world a puddle that people step in as they walk down the street a puddle that is cold and alone taken for granted used to the fullest extent then tossed a side like an old box ready to go to the dump I stand on the out side in  the dark as the rain falls cold and alone I stand as I disappear in the night leaven people to wonder in a passing thought were I disappear to as the rain falls all I can do is run run hard run fast trying to getaway from the life I created this life of pain and turmoil I'm such a burden to people I feel like I'm just gettin shoved around some one duz not need me they shove me to some one els I get used and abused and stepped on daily I cry out to any body that will listen but nobody seems to want to take the time to find out what is really botherin me I cry my self to sleep and cry my self awake it pains me to wake up I don't want to get out of bed cuz I Know how the day is goin to turn out its like I can play the movie in my head the main star is me all I want to do is stay in bed were I'm safe go to my safe place and never come back just layin in bed feelin very safe I'm so cold and alone so very very cold and alone drenched from the Pourin Rain That wont stop fallen these Black Clouds that hang over me never to leave I think it's funny people almost demand u act a Certain way and if u don't they think something wrong with ya can't I just be me what is wrong with me why can't I be my self why do I half to put on this false show this act my family is breakin up we use to be happy now it's just constant term oil from start to finish some time's are Civil but most times are pure un Adulterated knock down drag out Vocal Fights The Constant Pain I feel Will Never Leave me Some Time's I Just Sit and Cry all alone In The Quiet Dark Comfort of my Room My True Secure Surroundings a Place were I can Lock the Door and No body can get in  Wondering Why Me What did I Do to deserve this This Constant Pain This Turmoil I can Never Break these Chains that Hold Me Down My Brother is Truly the only One I can Talk to he sits and Actshi Wiley listens to me and try's to help any way he can he does not blow be off like the others or  offer falls hope he says it how it is and how its goin to be and sets me straight he's talked me down from some complete Mental  Breaks he Knows what to say he Holds the Key to the Lock he is the only one I let close to me No body Els will ever Posses the Key not my Family Not my Friends Only My Brother He and I Share a Bond Nobody Can ever Come Close to Understanding And I Will Never Ever Try to Explain all I can say is all he has to do is look at me and I Break Down it's like he all ready Knows what's Botherin me I just don't half to say any thing he just Knows I can Smile and be Happy But He Knows and there is No way to Hide it From him Cuz he has the Key Stressed and Depressed or Depressed and Stressed No matter What Way u say it I'm it it Sums Me up to a Point I Try My Hardest every day but it dose not seem like it get's me any ware My Brother Gave me some Good Advice the Other Night Don't Be there Fall Back Guy don't let them Use and Abuse you Because your Nice and won't say No and so iv Ben Practicing What He Preached and for the most part it seems to be Worken In Most areas some areas I half to do what ever is asked of me but in others I'm able to do what he said I can No Longer Trust Girls in the Romantic State Iv Ben Burned and taken advantage of to many times and Im Tired of it so Fuck Girls there Good as Friends to a point but that's about it Girls Can No Longer Be Trusted I would not trust a girl as far as I can throw one some are Honest I Believe But some are just out to Use and Abuse it's all about them and fuck every body els well I'm done Maybe Some day I will find one that is no out to Use and Abuse and is genuinely Nice but Yea that will Probably  be a Very Cold day in Hell Witch I'm Ready For with my Parka on So Stressed and Deeply Depressed It's Fiscally and Mentally Killin And Drain in me Im goin to Close the Blog With a Couple of Words Of Wisdom the Words are (FUCK IT IM DUN)

My Fucked Up Life

I Find Life at this Point Fucked To be Blunt about it Just Plain Fucked Every day i try to Stay Calm and Grounded But I find it Becoming harder and harder I just feel like Running Just being over with the Bull shit in my life The only Person i can find Sols in and can confide in Is my Brother He listens To me and trys to help me Like No body Els will do If things could not get worse The one person i did look up to and had respect For witch i do not any more well lets be honest its ben a long time scents iv had respect for this person 20 Years Of being Sober he has Stress like every body els does in life in theses trying time's 20 Years Flushed down the drain i can't say i was surprised but it just felt like some body Took a Sledge hammer and Beat me i found his Bottles and all he could say was keep your moth shut I think he was surprised that i found them kind of like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar My life is Just fucked Fucked at home and fuck in General i some time's think about The what if's but some time's all you can do is dream about the what if's Like i said i go to my Brothers and he Listens to me when I'm With him and his girl friend i feel free free of all the Bull shit and Fucked up crap my life has become some times i wonder if i was gone Would any body Really Miss me ?? I feel like I'm just getting pushed around and pushed to the Limit i feel like I'm a Burden on People Like there life would be better if i was not around some times i get to the point i just want to go and hide and go to my Special Place in the World were there is no problems and i can feel Free and at Peace I can Talk to No body not tell any body what is bothering me i can only talk to my Brother he is the only one that Can Break me open and see whats Alin me and what bothering me He always Knows what to Say to make me feel better and keep me calm and Grounded Some days i day dream if i was to die right her right now other then my brother would any body at all really miss me?? i think i would probley be just an after thought my life has become an after thought i will be homeless funny thing is I'm not to worried about it it cant be worse then the Life I'm livin now going home from were i help out wondering if I'm Evan going to have a roof over my head or a bed to sleep in wondering if what lil stuff i do halve will be taken or tossed because the people I'm living with could not afford to move it and i was not home in time to get it moved Iv lost Every thing i have no more to give iv lost my Credit iv lost my car iv lost my bank account iv lost my apartment i lost every thing i had in my Apartment because the person that had the Storage Unit that my stuff was in could not pay it so it all got Auctioned off so what stuff i did save from my Apartment i half to worry might not be at the place I'm living because the people I'm living with barely make it by so i got to worry that i will get home and it will be gone because they could not pay the rent and did not have the money to move it day in and day out i sit and cry deep in depression tryin day by day to mask the depression i have a smile and look happy when really on the inside I'm Cryin and Scream at the top of my lungs just wanting this night mirror i call my life to end just go out with a bang End this pain i feel daily Set me free of the Waits i Bare And Chains i carry

An unSavable Life

Life Is Gettin so hard Day by Day Faken Smiles and happyness when realy im in A Dark Room  With no light and no were to go Screamin out for somebody to help me But there is no body there i Sleep 8 hours or more but still i wake and feel so Tierd from the Stress and Turmoil from witch my Life Has Become I feel like People Want me to be happy But i Can't Be What I will never Be I guess to put it a Certain way im Just an Unhappy Person Livin in the Shadows of darkness in a Pit i will never Climb out of Screamin and Cryin on the inside and tryin to Smile and stay positive on the out side but it's just gettin harder and harder every day i wake up and just want to stay in bed and not face the world I think it's Funny u get asked to go some were for 3 weeks u go and then some how you end up stayin for 6 months then when u come home You are happy to be home but as fast as u get home they are tryin to trick ya in to comin back as you fight it with every bean in your body I have So much Anxiety And Depression OMG the Lil's think just sends me in to shakes and freak out my hart pounds like crazy just  total melt down they wanted me to call the person that was tryin to trick me in to goin back and ever time i didn't call i Blew it off tell the next day but as i did not call i had so much Anxiety when the phone rang thinkin it was the people i blew off it's like im in my bed Or At My Best Friends House Around him or him and his girl Friend i feel So Very Very Safe but when i walk out of my room or go out side On my Own i just melt down depending on what im doin im productive in society dont get me wrong i can be out in public on my own but some things just send Me out there some time's im home and i just get so out there i feel like just throwin somthin any thing as hard as i can against the wall i keep to my self but the Anxiety and every thing builds up In Side to the point were if i could i wood just scream and go for it some times when i talk i get goin to fast and talk over my self or get realy slow My Best Friend and his Girl Friend Love and Care about me so much it's amazing the Love they Give me Every Day It's so much i could never repay what they have givin to me. so many thoughts in my mind were em i goin what is my Goal's in life and i allways come to the same Conclusion There is non im almost 31 year's old Flat broke and Fucked for life Never To Be happy in life Never to Be able to Live the American Dream but em Promised a Sleepin bag and a Place Under a Bridge Some were With the Hope that i can get in to a Shelter and get a dry place to sleep and a hot meal to eat and quit possibly a Hot Shower I did Find a Song that Is Truly how i feel in Life i would have to say it is my Life Set To Music Every thing im thinkin he sings in this song it's almost like He Read my Mind and put what was in my mind to Music the Song is (Beautiful by Eminem)  i see all my friends i grew up with Haven nice lives Familys and Houses then i look at my life and Cry Knowin i have nothin and will never have any thing  all i have in life is my Sleepin bag and a Confirmed Place under a Bridge some were  i can truly feel free free of The Stress and Anxiety of my life it's like very day i wake up i Cry and Scream inside Day by day Minit by Minit i smile and stay Positive when on the Inside im Screamin and Cryin With no way to Fix It i Watch the Rain Come down Knowin some day i will be out there Like the rest under a Bridge Tryin to Stay Dry i think Daily About the Mistakes i have made in life Personally and Fiance chely It just Eat's Me alive every day Every time i try to put it out of my mind and forget about it it just comes back Bigger and stronger in my mind Like a Bright Light a Bright Light you cant turn off im just so Tierd Mentally and Physically My Pain Drains me Every day all the Worries i have in life and all the rest of my Problems Just Over come me and Consume me like i said i sleep 8 hours but i awake and feel like i have not slept at all some times i don't i go to sleep and as fast as i go to sleep i wake up im so tierd but can't go to sleep so i just lay there for an hour or so then try to go to sleep and i do but then about an hour or so later i wake up it's almost like my body says your tierd but my mind wont let it rest no matter how hard i try that Bright Light wont Flicker out for the Night to let me Rest you Think When U lose a Office and are unable to Move your stuff out and Tell the People u are unable because of a Physical ailment u would think that when they say they will move it for you that they will be careful with your stuff you would think but in my case they were not half my stuff missing the rest lookin like it had ben Thrown around and beat up and just tossed in Boxes some times i just want to go away go find some were and just lay down and go to sleep away from every body around me a place were no body Knows me and no body No's were i have gone just take my sleepin bag and lay it out and go to sleep feelin the Shear Pleaser of Freeness Freedom From every thing a Feeling i will never have The waites on My Body are so Heavey I Cary them like a back pack every day of my Life im Depressed I have no Hope for my Life my Anxiety and Depression Rob me of my Life every single Day it has come to the point were nothin Makes me Happy Im Just an Unhappy Person For Life iv Come To Accept My Fate and Accept that i will be depressed for life Livin in the Darkness of My Own Pain Screamin and Cryin tell the Day I take my Last Breath!